Dear God

I had some questions for you.. do you not feel my pain?? do you not see my tears as they fall? Do you even hear my cries of pain? Don't you hear me asking... begging for your help? Why me? Do you even know me? Do you hear me asking why? why me? Do you hear when I pray for others? Do you listen when I ask... and pray for your help? God do you even know who I am? Why god?? why did you put me here? Why did you give me a body but not a life? Why can't you just end it all once and for all? Am I something that you created just for the fun of it? Something that is lower than even dirt? Something that people will get a kick out of so they can feel better about themselves? Is it wrong to think about killing myself? Is it wrong to think about the day I am going to die? What did I ever do god to be treated this way? Why did you create me? Why did you make a freak like me? I can't understand god why would you do something like that? Please help me understand... all I ever wanted was to be happy and normal... its hard to watch people go about their lives as I sit here every day watching my life pass me by... knowing there is nothing that I can do to hold on to it... nothing can ever go right... is it too much to ask for? just help me find the right way god... help me get out of these problems... Is it wrong of me to hate this world and everyone in it? Am I so wrong to hate myself so much that I want to die? You won't give me the thing I want the most... the security that I have you... How much more suffering do you want to see from me? How many more tears do you want these eyes to cry? Is it not my turn to leave this place? I have nothing to live for.. I would be lying if I said I don't want something to live for...but I have nothing...all I have is my dream to be something big...so I can show everybody I can do it... why aren't you helping me find the way? God I am asking for your help... which ever way you chose.. either by taking me or by showing me the right way.. please help me god I am begging you to help me :( maine hamesha aap pe yakeen kiya hai..aur karti rahungi...please meri help kijiye...apki beti aapse help maang rahi hai...please sab thik kar dijiye...mai hamesha aapki aabhari rahungi...mai bahut pareshaan hu...aur sirf aapke paas hi koi solution hai..I feel so abandoned at the moment. Please show me that you are with me. I need you. Please help me. I feel so ill and weak. I feel my mental health is going down. I am homeless and need suitable, safe accommodation. Please help me to find it and with my applications. Please make me well, so I can be more useful to you and everyone else on the planet. Please send me close friends. Please help me with my social phobia. I'm so scared. I can't do this on my own. I'm running out of strength and my spirit feels crushed. Please help me. Please forgive me for all the wrong I have done and give me the chance to start everything new... Thank you for all that you have done for me.. I will always be great full to you.. I just need your help... please help us... help mom.. help me... help pankaj... help anjani.. please god help us... show us the way :( please help god..

Sairah

I'm hurt all the time.
I don't want to cry for the way I feel inside.
I just want someone to hold me...
I'm alone in the dark, please try to find me.
If no one cares, I don't see a point to go on.
Anyone find me! Anyone care!
I'm sorry, I just don't want to be alone anymore.
I feel unheard and unseen. Depressed and weak.
No one cares and yet I'm always the sorry one.
Someone find me! I'm scared.
Please hold me until it all ends.
Just hold me that’s all I want.
I don't want to be alone in the dark.
Just hold me as I start to disappear from the light.
Just hold me as I start to cry.
Just hold me so I wont be alone inside.
Just hold me so I don't do something wrong.
Just hold me so tight, that for a moment I could feel loved

Everytime she made you get madder
You reminded her of what was said
She went and secretly cried in the hot shower
And pressed the cold razor blades into her skin until she saw red
However, she didn't feel the pain
From the wound she'd just inflicted
Instead she felt the pain and hurt
Of still being rejected
Did you ever notice her sudden change in clothes for a few days?
While she covered her wounds until they healed
Did you ever notice her sudden change in attitude?
While she ignored the obvious and bottled up more of her emotions
You get mad because she never told you her feelings
That's only because she thinks she'll get hurt
So instead she bottled up her thoughts and feelings
Until she breaks down and inflict more pain upon herself
How much will her body take if she went insane?
Or will her actions be noticed by the ones she loves
And save them that sad rainy day dressed in all black with tears from their eyes

Suffering every moment that I'm awake and not asleep
Its the only way to get away from the things that make me weep

What I feel is something beyond sorrow
I keep finding myself dreading tomorrow

Then I find myself on Suicide Lane
While trying to figure out who is to blame

I feel worthless, scared and at the same time lost
I will give anything to not feel this way no matter the cost

But the coward in me keeps me from self-annihilation
I guess for now I have to live with my situation

I'm not getting any better dealing with the pain
I know I will find myself on suicide lane again

But if the pain and darkness continues to exist
Then suicide will become harder to resist

So for now I will find the strength to endure
Why praying that finding happiness doesn't become more obscure

I've been pushed down so many times
I feel this time will be the last
as I lay here fading
my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past
I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor
I have no strength to get up
I'm not worth it any more

my head hurts :( and I want to cry... mommy when you say sairah i don't feel like talking... and i say mommy i love you...and you say good... then u go in the living room and start talking to seema like nothings wrong... laughing with her ... when i went to hug u and u said i dont feel like a hug right now... and then you go and hug seema ...sit with her laugh talk jus two minutes later... it makes me feel like i'm the wrong one... like i'm the reason ur sad... like i'm the reason ur mood is off... so i jus sit in the room all alone bcuz when i come in the living room u get quiet... did you know i fell mommy? I called u...mommy come plz...but i don't think you heard me... do you know i'm feeling so sick? i have been telling you for 2 days... but then when seema says i'm cold you run and get her a heater... do you know i need a hug mommy? i keep asking for a hug... but when seema comes and lays next to you puts her head in your lap you start playing with her hair and you put your arms around her... i saw it today and when seema got up i came and layed down right where seema was laying... you didn't even look at me... :)... i grabbed your hand and put it on my head... you moved it away once seema turned and looked our way... mommy... i know for u its jus little things... but it hurts...i know you hate it when i tell you these things that hurt me... but if i dont tell you who will i tell? jus hug me without a reason mommy... say i love u sairah...without a reason...

to my bhaiya

Saying goodbye is never easy... its the hardest thing to do... but it hurts more when you are not able to say goodbye to the one you love most... yesterday is just a memory ... but a damn good one... but now you are nowhere in sight... you were my brother...god why did you take my brother?? tell your angels he took the wrong person :(... I love you bhaiya... god took you from me and he didn't let me say I love you bhaiya wait for me... take me with you....why couldn't god just let us be?? do you still watch me bhaiya? not a day goes by that I don't think of you... its so hard here without you... :( I'm scared bhaiya who will protect me now? I'm scared bhaiya.. tell mommy to protect me :(... Tell her to just hug me without a reason... to say I love you ...and I won't ask why... please bhaiya .. I'm lost... I don't want to fight alone...

You know... I always heard that children don't remember the first 4 years of there childhood... well I must be an exception in that case... I remember a lot of my childhood... I remember when I was maybe 1 years old in the orphanage...I was in my crib and one of the workers came and picked me up... I was so happy... that was the only family I knew... all the other kids in that orphanage were like my brothers and sisters... we loved each other without condition... I had no reason to fight for attention because thank god at that age I had no expectations.. I was young and stupid... Actually.. I don't think I was stupid then.. I think I was smart to not keep any expectations... No one treated me bad... and even if they did I never saw love so I had no problem with being mistreated.. I never saw love so abuse was all I had accepted... I remember taking my first steps ... I was holding madhvi aunties hand... she used to take me home on the weekends.... she had a dog named rambo... a German Shepherd that used to adore me... I had my little hand around her fingers... the phone rang... she stood me up holding the couch and walked away to pick up the phone... :) There came Rambo... I got so excited... Rambo loved me unconditionally... I felt safe with him... I let go and took my first step... I was shaky and scared but I wanted to go to Rambo... I took 4 more steps and madhvi aunty came...I fell... no one was there to get excited that sairah took her first steps... but I started laughing and there came Rambo to give me lots of kisses... he was proud of me.. he knew I did a big thing... he knew I took my first steps... no one talked about that day after that... why would they? I was nobody... I was a speck of dirt in this world...thats what I was told by the orphanage workers... when I was a baby... I remember it all... then I remember seeing my brother... he was talking to somebody while I was sitting on the floor playing with my toys... he came to me and smiled and said, " don't worry I won't let anything happen to you ". He picked me up and took me to my renu aunties house... there I was spoiled and treated like a princess by renu aunty... but her husband? naa... he hated me... he called me a stray kid... he called me a burden... he didn't like my renu aunty treated me so good... he hated that I got attention... he agreed to keep me there but he expected that aunty would just feed me so I wouldn't die and leave me on the floor all day...but she treated me like her daughter... she treated me like a princess... but soon uncle started abusing me... he started slapping me everytime i laughed.. everytime i cried... he started shredding all my clothes ... getting angry that aunty was spending money on me... spending time with me... so aunty decided to take me back to the orphanage... for 6 months i stayed there being treated like a caged animal that no one wanted to take care of but they had to take care of to stay out of lawsuit... then my brother came and got me... I remember my first flight to canada... I was so excited... it was the first time I saw so many people... I laughed and laughed and laughed... now tell me ... how many kids remember when they were two? I do... I got home with bhaiya and my bhabhi was there... he carried me and introduced me to her and she just smiled and walked away... that night they had dinner and bhaiya came to my playpen and started to feed me... he was giving me hugs and kisses and singing my songs and bhabhi walked in the room... she said "sunil... usko jyada sar pe mat chadao... teri beti nahi hai... jab tere bachche honge to tujhe yeh attention apne bachchon ko dena hai.." ... another home with an enemy... :) throughout the days bhabhi became worst... she started throwing my toys away....feeding me less... i was too little to tell bhaiya what she was doing to me... instead I was happy that at least I was out of the orphanage.. so i put up with it happily... as long as my brother gave me love I was happy... then my bhabhi told my brother to get rid of me... she didn't want to waste her energy taking care of a kid that wasn't hers... so bhaiya said fine... you will never have to take care of her... when he wasn't home he started dropping me to the neighbors house... that aunty used to watch me day and night... but her husband didn't like me... he didn't like me because I wasn't "sikh".. I was raised as a hindu child... he then started giving me attention... it was bad attention but it was attention and i was a kid and i was happy with it... he started playing "house" With me and i was the wife and he was the husband... I was only 2 yrs old !!! how could he do the things he did to me !! but you know what... I was a kid and I thought it was good attention... for 5 years he did this to me... but I thought it was better then going home and dealing with bhabhi...when I was 7 bhaiya found out what was going on so he sent me to live with sonali... sonali's husband was an asshole to me.... he told me... a 7 yr old...to work and pay for my own food... bahut din tak sonali protected me but then it got too much for her so she sent me back to bhabhi... again the abuse... then when i was 9 bhabhi forced bhaiya to go back to india but told him he couldn't take me... so he sent me to sohail bhaiya... sohail bhaiya lived with his wife and her mother and father... his father in law adored me... he treated me like his daughter... but his mother in law hated me because she didn't think her daughter should take care of a orphaned child... another family with abuse... another home thats not my home..why is my life like this? I went from home to home home to home then ended up with Pankaj... his parents hate me too... why? Cuz I have a muslim name...sheraz... his parents hate me... why? bcuz Im not pakistani... now ...seema hates me... why? I don't know.... anjani hates me... why? I don't know... her husband hates me... why? I don't know... I have never done wrong to anybody... but why do I always have to suffer? You know... today mom said sairah get ready you can go to beeta aunties house with us... I got up started getting ready... Seema came in the room saw I was getting ready and screamed mom lets go now... she started putting her shoes on... but instead of mom saying lets wait for sairah she said sairah we will be back... mom why did you change?? :( Then you said ok jus go with us... after that mommy? Mai marr bhi rahi hongi tab bhi nahi jaungi... It hurts mumma why don't you see how badly im hurting inside?? I am being used and you aren't protecting me... moms protect there kids na?? Fix things mommy :( It hurts... plz fix things... thak gayi hun mai ab khudh k liye ladte ladte... I try to be good to everybody... then why does everyone hate me? I'm tired mommy... plz help me now mumma... im tired now mommy... aur aage nahi chal sakti mai akeli... plz mere haath thaam k mere saath chalo :( I can't do it mumma.. Its hard

Shut the hell up sairah fuck you... don't call me mumma who the hell do you think you are?? You try to fix anjani and then you try to fix me?? who the hell do you think you are?? You are nothing ... you are a speck of dust.. get out of my face I don't even want to look at you right now

No seema... she comes sits next to me and hugs me... I hate it when she does that thats why I said what are you doing here when she came and sat next to me... Chipak ke bait jaati hai... i hate it when she does that she is too nosy

Seema hates the way that sairah is dealing with things she thinks its disgusting and sairah needs to go back

Sairah your family isn't good that put you in an orphanage... stop fooling yourself...your mom isn't your mom... no one loves you...

If sairah asks me to stop smoking one more time I don't know what I am going to do... just because mom asked sairah to stop smoking and this stranger did doesn't mean I have to... tell mom to go stay with this PERFECT STRANGER... if sairah lectures me one more time I am going to tell her to stop worrying about me and tell mom to get some help

Everyone thinks sairah is my child from somewhere thats why I left home... beeta aunty thinks it too ...

This is all I have been hearing just in the past 2 days... I should be used to it because it has been going on all my life.. BUT IM NOT !!!! FUCK !!

I'm sorry mommy... I'm sorry I didn't hide your secret... I couldn't lie when she asked me... you probably think I don't love you right? The truth is I do love you more then life itself...that's why I had to tell... because I couldn't fight this battle alone...it wasn't possible for me... I know I disappointed you...you can't even stand to look at my face right now...you can't even stand the feel of my hug... but I did it for you mommy...Hopefully soon you will see ...I did it for you...you can hate me... you can never look at my face as long as I live... you can believe I don't love you all your life...but its all worth it if it will make you get better.... I hope you understand mommy... I really hope you understand... I'll give my life to make you better... Please understand mommy... I just love you... Please understand

GOODBYE

Why do you do this to her? why do you make her cry and hide her fears so deep inside? Is she not beautiful enough or does she not have enough wit or charm?? Why is it that you make her feel like a dog that you have chained to the tree and trained to answer only at your call? Misery and pain is what you have taught her to believe in...will she ever get the courage to run and get away? To me you are the devil in disguise....constantly standing over her watching from the corner or your evil eye. Do you think you are perfect? Do you think that we should just sit back and watch her become more miserable every passing day because you have taught her to believe that without you she can't get by? You evil man... I see the truth and you can't hide from me...Some may sit back and watch you make her die inside... but as for me ... I will bring back that sparkle I have seen in her eyes... I will not cover for you or lie for you... I will not sit back and let your wickedness slowly kill who she really is so deep inside... Courage and bravery is what I will make arise from my beautiful mom... You try to keep for her for yourself to hide your own pity and worthlessness...you are no better...wake up and face the truth... without her you are nothing but a menace to society... a fake... a pitiful excuse for anyone to call a husband... but even more your not even worth having the title of being called a man... let her go... let her live... let her be free... hide in your corner and reflect on what you are because why you try to hold her there and constantly whisper how she is no good and can never do right... i will be there beside her constantly praisingher and directing her to another world far from you... she will win you will lose...and one day she will wake and see you for the beast we all know you are.. all the misery all the pain all the tears you have dished out will one day come to haunt you and bring you down the way you have her... while you huddle in a corner so lonely and cry your selfish tears she will be happy and free to live her life and be able to finally become who she always wanted to be... your the devil on her shoulder... i am the angel.. and in the end good always wins... because you HAVE to have her... I want to have her... you HAVE to make her think you love her... I just smile and she knows... its a fair game... let me show you who will win...it will not be you... it will not be me... but it will be her and she will finally be the woman we know her to be... i wish you well and bid you good bye because from this day you are nothing to me but a speck of dirt passing by... GOODBYE

for my mommy

There are little eyes upon you and they are watching you night and day... there are little ears that quickly take in every word you say... there are little hands all eager to do anything you do... and a little girl who's dreaming of the day she'll be like you...

You're the little girls idol, your the wisest of the wise...in her little mind about you no suspicions ever arise...she believes in you devoutly and holds all you say and do.. she will say and do in your way when shes grown up just like you...

There's a wide-eyed little girl who believes you're always right...and her eyes are always open watching you day and night... you are setting an example every day in all you do....for the little girl who's waiting to grow up just like you :)