The good and the bad ...For you mommy

Well Mommy, you said to sit down and write all the good and the bad things down when I feel like I have too much on my mind so here it goes. I am on my way home right now (in flight) after spending 26 days in Canada with you mommy. I have to say, being with you is probably one of the best times in my life. I don’t know how I survived all this time without a mom. After I met you I realized all that I have missed out on. Just that security that I have never had is good enough for me. Mom I will start with all the bad things in my mind and end with the good. Hopefully then it will dim down the bad things after I think about the good. Mom I am really hurt and trust me it’s by no fault of yours. It’s my insecurity. It’s me and I don’t know how to change it. I am hoping maybe you can help me. I don’t want to have this feeling. Well let’s start now.

Mom I’m really hurt :( I always tell myself that I am no different than Seema and Anjani in your life but one thing or another always makes me feel different. I always see you going and hugging Seema or giving her a kiss or getting so excited when you see Anjani I feel so bad. It’s not your fault mommy. I don’t want you to have to be on your toes because of me or around me. I just wish God would show me a way to fit in :(. I want to be just as much yours as the kids you gave birth to. I also get hurt so much by Seema and I sometimes feel like no one understands what she puts me through. Everyone…Sanjay Pankaj and kabhi kabhi even you says just ignore her, why do you let her get to you, you should be happy that you have your mom but somehow for some strange reason it still hurts me. It hurts me when she says she’s not your mom. It hurts me when she says you don’t have a mom you’re an orphan you are ugly you are fat blah blah blah. It hurts mommy and it makes me want to hurt myself just to erase that pain. I wish somehow someone could shut Seema up and just make her leave me alone. Mom you would never say to Seema and Anjani to call you Aunty :( you would never say if you can’t put up with Seemas ways you can’t come here anymore to Anjani. Aap aisa kuch bhi nai karti kabhi. It hurts me mom it really does. Every time I make one little mistake you say you are just a yahoo mom for me or you say you cannot handle me anymore. Mommy if only you knew what you mean and what you are for me. Meri zindagi main a aap kea age koi hai na aap ke peeche. Please believe me mommy you mean so much to me and I will do anything to keep you happy. I just want to be yours with no condition mumma. I know in the end for the world you only have two daughters but for me you are my mom. Not a yahoo mom not a step mom not like a mom but my REAL mom. I miss you and Siyah already so much. I wish I could just hug you or give Siyah a kiss.

Now for the good mommy :) the positive. You make me feel so secure and so loved. When you do give me a hug or when you do say you love me I can feel it coming straight from the heart. You go out of your way to get me what I need whether it be medication or food or just simple things like my hair done or nails done. For me you are nothing short of GOD. For me mommy you are GOD. Remember mumma I used to sing that song for you, “ tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi…yunhi nahi dil lubhaata koi…jaane tu ya jaane na”… That song for some reason always suited you when I heard it. Little did I know that it was true. Pehle ka naata hai. You are the only person in this world that gives me the happiness I need. Don’t ever go away mommy. Mai aap ke begair marr jaungi. The day I arrived to Canada I saw you standing there. I handed Siyah over to you because I thought you would be so happy to see her but you turned around and gave me the biggest hug. I got to admit I was caught a little off guard at that moment. And then mommy one night I remember I was sitting and massaging your head. Aap aadhi neend mai thi and all of a sudden you got up and gave me the biggest kiss on my forehead. Mom I cherish every moment with you whether it be good or bad. I want you to know ke you are very much loved and will always be.I will do anything you need to make you feel proud and loved. You went through the whole airport with me today to make sure I made it safe. Who does that?? My mom :) that’s who. You sit and watch my online aquariums listen to my problems and even try your best to advise me. When something good happens in my life no one is as happy as you. I have never had anybody like that in my life who was proud of my achievements. I love u mumma from the bottom middle and top of my heart :) thank you for coming into my life and thank you for making me yours. I pray God gives you all the happiness in the world…mere hisse ka bhi… Take care of my baby for me mommy. She needs you just as much as I do. I love you

Aapki Beti
Sairah

Happy birthday to me :(

Today's my birthday and I sit alone in my room as unpleasant memories unfold and tears stream down my face. Some say it's a state of my mind but why can't they see that I am really hurting? Stop complaining so much Sairah you got your gifts just be happy...I would give it all back plus more to just feel loved today. All my life I felt my birth was nothing to be celebrated. I watch you celebrate their birthday with such joy and happiness not giving them a moment to feel alone or sad...why is it different with me? I only aim to please you but what's a smile really worth?? This is the story of my life...the Saga of my tears...a story told a thousand times just to be stepped on and thrown around like an overblown balloon almost ready to burst...if you listen closely you might be able to hear the beating of my heart...its getting slower and slower every passing day...they say that life never gets u more then u can handle...well god im on the floor face down and can't seem to get myself up...I lost everything I had ever wanted and never thought it could get any worst...they tell me I over react...that I make things bigger then they are..did they sit alone in a dark closet hoping and praying he wouldn't find them? Did they get kicked over and over because you were a burden to everyone you came in contact with? Is it bad to want to be loved? :( If it is god just take me...I can't handle this pain... I asked you for one day...just one day...It couldn't go the first way I wanted so I asked for a plan B...you took that away from me too... :( day after day...night after night..the world moves as i lay still staring at my plain white bedroom walls...I lie on my bed screaming and crying in my head so no one can hear me...the pain won't go away :( it goes with me everywhere...like my shadow..constantly there...Things have never been alright you know...for a while I wondered how I'd get through day by day...How can I pretend that I'm not in pain? No one knows what I'm feeling... My heart is pounding..I'm full of sadness and rage...I need someone to please let me out of this cage :( ...I have seen so much and felt so much pain...but no one knows what I feel...hold my hands and look me in the eyes...take me back to when I had no worries and no pain...someone please help me up and take me away from here...I'm ready to be on my way...let me close my eyes and fade with the day...I hurt deep down inside...so many mixed exmotions...I'm broken cut and bleeding...I tasted life...like a stray dog she says..that got fed once and never went away...alone I stand ...I cry day and night with no comfort...I cry every night and no one hears me under my covers..life is so hard...there's no one here...no one to tuck me into bed at night...no one to hold me when I need to cry...if not any other day but just for today :( god please help me...Just for today...well Sairah...Happy birthday to you...stop complaining she says...you got your gifts just be happy...you can have them back...all of them...that's not what I needed...your just a stray dog she says that got fed and never went away...even a stray dog doesn't get treated like you treat me...Happy birthday to me :) Happy birthday to me

I don't know whats been happening, I don't remember who i use to be. I don't seem to recognize the person staring back at me.

I can't take it any longer, as i cut my skin with my knife, blood trickles down my arm,
as i try to end my life.

I've been like this for awhile, people are beginning to see the person I've been hiding, the one staring back at me.

I may not regret it, I just wish people didn't know, then it would be easy to hide the feelings that seem to show.

Some cuts may be visible but only I can truly see how much of a mess I've caused, because of the person staring back at me.

One day at a time, slowly i start to fade. I guess this is because of all the times I have been betrayed.

The nights seem to be harder than I ever thought they would be I still do not recognize the person staring back at me.

But slowly time will pass and i will start to fade. No longer will people have to live through this stupid little charade.

So, so long to this girl, the one i use to be.
And Goodbye to the girl staring back at me.

Shes not you Sim :( I need you

Aajao Laut Kar Tum Yeh Dil Kehraha Hai

You are with me everyday,
I feel you with every breath,
Your thought is with me,
With every decision I make.

You have been with me until now,
And it is hard to face,
That you are finally gone,
And I will never see you again.

Your love, your touch, your face,
Are things I will never forget,
All the love you shared with me,
And all the tears and pain you made go away.

In our short time together,
All the memories we had,
Will last in my heart,
Those memories I will never forget.

Although you have left,
Now you walk above,
You are always with me,
I'm always surrounded by your love.

Now you don't have to worry,
For your love will be passed on,
‘Cause even though you left me,
You are Always in my Heart.

If I had one last wish to make it would have to be,
that God would heal my mom and give her pain to me.
For I've never seen my mom hurt so bad,
I'd do anything and everything to take her pain and strife.
She's the only one who never lost complete faith in me,
without her here by my side I’m not sure where I'd be.
We didn't always get along but then again who does,
she taught me about the
Real world and what life really was.
I think I owe her one for all the hell I put her through,
so God if you can grant this wish for me I'll eternally be grateful to you.
And if my mom ever decides to ask why her life suddenly changed this way,
do me a favor and let her know that I said Happy late Mother's Day.

Mom, please don’t feel guilty
It was just my time to go.
I see you are still feeling sad,
And the tears just seem to flow.

We all come to earth for our lifetime,
And for some it’s not many years
I don’t want you to keep crying
You are shedding so many tears.

I haven’t really left you
Even though it may seem so.
I have just gone to my heavenly home,
And I’m closer to you than you know.

Just believe that when you say my name
I’m standing next to you,
I know you long to see me,
But there’s nothing I can do.

But I’ll still send you messages
And hope you understand,
That when your time comes to “cross over,”
I’ll be there to take your hand.