Well Mommy, you said to sit down and write all the good and the bad things down when I feel like I have too much on my mind so here it goes. I am on my way home right now (in flight) after spending 26 days in Canada with you mommy. I have to say, being with you is probably one of the best times in my life. I don’t know how I survived all this time without a mom. After I met you I realized all that I have missed out on. Just that security that I have never had is good enough for me. Mom I will start with all the bad things in my mind and end with the good. Hopefully then it will dim down the bad things after I think about the good. Mom I am really hurt and trust me it’s by no fault of yours. It’s my insecurity. It’s me and I don’t know how to change it. I am hoping maybe you can help me. I don’t want to have this feeling. Well let’s start now.
Mom I’m really hurt :( I always tell myself that I am no different than Seema and Anjani in your life but one thing or another always makes me feel different. I always see you going and hugging Seema or giving her a kiss or getting so excited when you see Anjani I feel so bad. It’s not your fault mommy. I don’t want you to have to be on your toes because of me or around me. I just wish God would show me a way to fit in :(. I want to be just as much yours as the kids you gave birth to. I also get hurt so much by Seema and I sometimes feel like no one understands what she puts me through. Everyone…Sanjay Pankaj and kabhi kabhi even you says just ignore her, why do you let her get to you, you should be happy that you have your mom but somehow for some strange reason it still hurts me. It hurts me when she says she’s not your mom. It hurts me when she says you don’t have a mom you’re an orphan you are ugly you are fat blah blah blah. It hurts mommy and it makes me want to hurt myself just to erase that pain. I wish somehow someone could shut Seema up and just make her leave me alone. Mom you would never say to Seema and Anjani to call you Aunty :( you would never say if you can’t put up with Seemas ways you can’t come here anymore to Anjani. Aap aisa kuch bhi nai karti kabhi. It hurts me mom it really does. Every time I make one little mistake you say you are just a yahoo mom for me or you say you cannot handle me anymore. Mommy if only you knew what you mean and what you are for me. Meri zindagi main a aap kea age koi hai na aap ke peeche. Please believe me mommy you mean so much to me and I will do anything to keep you happy. I just want to be yours with no condition mumma. I know in the end for the world you only have two daughters but for me you are my mom. Not a yahoo mom not a step mom not like a mom but my REAL mom. I miss you and Siyah already so much. I wish I could just hug you or give Siyah a kiss.
Now for the good mommy :) the positive. You make me feel so secure and so loved. When you do give me a hug or when you do say you love me I can feel it coming straight from the heart. You go out of your way to get me what I need whether it be medication or food or just simple things like my hair done or nails done. For me you are nothing short of GOD. For me mommy you are GOD. Remember mumma I used to sing that song for you, “ tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi…yunhi nahi dil lubhaata koi…jaane tu ya jaane na”… That song for some reason always suited you when I heard it. Little did I know that it was true. Pehle ka naata hai. You are the only person in this world that gives me the happiness I need. Don’t ever go away mommy. Mai aap ke begair marr jaungi. The day I arrived to Canada I saw you standing there. I handed Siyah over to you because I thought you would be so happy to see her but you turned around and gave me the biggest hug. I got to admit I was caught a little off guard at that moment. And then mommy one night I remember I was sitting and massaging your head. Aap aadhi neend mai thi and all of a sudden you got up and gave me the biggest kiss on my forehead. Mom I cherish every moment with you whether it be good or bad. I want you to know ke you are very much loved and will always be.I will do anything you need to make you feel proud and loved. You went through the whole airport with me today to make sure I made it safe. Who does that?? My mom :) that’s who. You sit and watch my online aquariums listen to my problems and even try your best to advise me. When something good happens in my life no one is as happy as you. I have never had anybody like that in my life who was proud of my achievements. I love u mumma from the bottom middle and top of my heart :) thank you for coming into my life and thank you for making me yours. I pray God gives you all the happiness in the world…mere hisse ka bhi… Take care of my baby for me mommy. She needs you just as much as I do. I love you
Aapki Beti
Sairah
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